well.

Sometimes I don’t write stuff.

my cousin sure married a winner.

My cousin Linda got married yesterday and, in case you were wondering, I wrote my own maid of honor speech and resisted the temptation to plagiarize from the internet (see previous post.)

On Friday I wanted to give her a crazy bachelorette party, Vegas style, but the fact that she’s five months pregnant kind of limited my options. So I had a tame night planned – frozen hot chocolates at Serendipity 3, a trip to Victoria’s Secret and perhaps a visit to the Erotic Heritage Museum. Her financee Alex was having his bachelor party the same night, and since he’s not five months pregnant, he could pretty much do whatever he wanted. He promised Linda two things: he wouldn’t drink too much and he wouldn’t go to a strip club. Aww. Yeah right.

Everything seemed to be going ok; the two were even text messaging each other throughout the evening. Such lovebirds. But soon Alex’s messages became incoherent, and eventually he stopped sending any altogether. A half hour later I overhear the following during Linda’s various phone calls to Alex’s brother:

10:35 pm – He’s drunk isn’t he? He can’t handle alcohol; you said you wouldn’t get him drunk!

10:45 pm – We have to come get you? Why, is it that bad? You’re at Rick’s Cabaret?!

10:55 pm – Yeah we’re trying to hurry but we can’t find a cab. What do you mean the cops might come if we don’t get there soon enough??

11:10 pm – OMG WHY DOESN’T HE HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON????

What a ridiculous evening. I would elaborate more but, well, you know. What happens in Vegas on your bachelor party when you’re a naked guy at Rick’s Cabaret stays in Vegas.

www.maidofhonorspeeches.com

I’m updating from a sketchy public computer at the hotel; I needed the internet because I had to Google “maid of honor speeches.”  I started typing it out and and by the time I got to “of,” Google’s autosearch was already giving me “maid of honor speeches” as an option.

This isn’t cheating, right? There are some pretty good ones out there. Example:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! For those of you who don’t know me, I am _______, the proud sister of our glamourous bride! First off I want to start by congratulating the bride and groom, and thanking all of you for coming today!

That’s better than anything I came up with, which was mainly “Sup, wedding guests!  Hollah at yo bride and groom! 2009. What.”

Oh man. I need help.

hardly working

I came into work an hour late today; now I have to make up for it by staying an hour later.  Except I don’t feel like working so I’m just gonna look busy by typing a lot aka updating my blog.

Jeeeeeez coworker, go home already!  So I can go home too and not actually have to stay an extra hour!  I know, I’m the epitome of work ethic.

(She asked me what I was working on.  I told her I was making tape labels.  Hah!  Fool!)

Oh fuck this, I’m going home.

whore-rid halloween emergency!!!!

I’ve decided to ditch my aforementioned plans of being a hooker for Halloween.  Sad right?  This past week I tried on a bunch of whore clothes but I can’t bring myself to actually wear them out in public.  

It’s the night before Halloween and I don’t have a costume.  Shit.  I guess I’ll just make do with my white tablecloth, aka Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

time to get out my whore costume again

Halloween – perhaps the only time it’s acceptable, even encouraged, for women to go out in public wearing only their undergarments.  Why dress up as a regular cable installer, chef or Care Bear when you can dress up as a sexy cable installer, chef or Care Bear?  Grab a pair of bunny ears, throw on a bra and panties and lady, you’re good to go.

      

Last year Jocelyn dressed up as sexy Spongebob.  Caitlin dressed up as sexy She-Hulk.  Sonia dressed up as sexy David Suzuki.  Those costumes are pretty hard to top, so I had to start thinking – what sexy version of an otherwise normal profession/public figure/costume could I possibly be?  Sexy janitor?  Sexy Michelle Obama?  Sexy homeless person?

It was too hard to think of anything so I’ve decided to be a simple, good old fashioned hooker for Halloween.  Because really, that’s what every sexy costume boils down to.

And I won’t be just any hooker either - I’m dressing up as Sasha Harris, otherwise known as the woman Vince “Shamwow” Shlomi slap chopped and sent to the hospital.  Initially I just wanted to be a Shamwow for Halloween, but upon realizing that I lacked the sewing skills to make a Shamwow underwear set, I decided that being the Shamwow hooker would be good enough.

Anyone out there want to be Vince for me?

luke perry vs. a turkey

Happy birthday, Luke!  You’re turning 44!  It seems like just yesterday you were a 25-year-old trying to pass as a high-schooler on television.

Too bad your birthday is overshadowed by a semi-important Canadian holiday, Thanksgiving.  So yeah, the turkey wins.  It’s delicious.

fuck you, ee cummings (Blogging in 1994: The Series – #06)

According to Wikipedia, which is always historically accurate, E.E. Cummings wrote the following when he was only six years old:

FATHER DEAR. BE, YOUR FATHER-GOOD AND GOOD,
HE IS GOOD NOW, IT IS NOT GOOD TO SEE IT RAIN,
FATHER DEAR IS, IT, DEAR, NO FATHER DEAR,
LOVE, YOU DEAR,
ESTLIN

What was I doing when I was 6?  Probably eating sand – meanwhile, E.E. Cummings was already cultivating his literary genius.

My school journal from 1994 doesn’t show much promise either.  Observe:

Rain <I hate it!>
Rain, rain, go away, come again another day!  Well, now you know I hate rain.  I like rain a teeny bit, so I’ll start with that.  If it rains, then I won’t have to walk home.  No ofence to my grandma, but she walks so slow.

Wait, I should probably post a more poetic example.  This bulleted list is the closest thing to a poem I could find, and by the way, I drew tiny hearts in place of all the bullets:

   Love Is…
•  caring for elders and others
•  share with others
•  be kind to others
•  teach others what they don’t know yet
•  having a snowstorm in L.A. (WOW!) and having no school for three weeks
•  my parents reading to me at night like how they did when I was small
•  when you’re sick and you get tons of get well cards, finding out how many people care about you
•  cleaning your room without being told (well at least it’s love to my parents)

Oh ten year old Celeste.  She was never on her way to becoming E.E. Cummings but I guess I’m ok with that.

fuck you, eHarmony

A friend of mine joked that his inbox was full of eHarmony responses, so I figured I’d try it out.  You know, ironically.

Ok, not ironically.  Like many lost 20-somethings I’m searching for meaning in my life and I’m wondering why I’ve yet to find “the one”.  Those eHarmony commercials are  pretty convincing - I totally believe it when those attractive non-actors say they never expected to fall in love over the internet.

Nevermind the fact that the questionnaire took about 3 hours to complete; 3 hours is nothing compared to the lifetime I’ll spend with my soul mate once eHarmony helps me find him, right?  So there I was, optimistic and anxious as I answered the last question, only to find the following as my result:

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Wtf eHarmony!!  Millions of people have profiles on your website and you can’t recommend even one for me?  Bullshit.

Celeste Blogs SCOTIABANK Nuit Blanche

 I didn’t go, it was raining. 

Ok just kidding, I did go, and it wasn’t raining.  I just thought it’d be funny if that was the extent of my entry.  Anyways here is a rundown of some art and stuff.

 

FIRE AND SAUSAGE: Small Mercies, 2009

There were several of these stations in Liberty Village, partially sponsored by Jamie Kennedy (the restauranteur, not the actor), wherein people huddled around an open fire to keep warm and free mini-sausages where handed out on sticks.  What is this, Nuit Costco?  I was tempted to set up shop right beside them, with hot dogs and a microwave.  Way more artistic than an open fire.

 

Take Shelter, 2009

Spectators were invited to build their own shelters using cardboard boxes, cans and trash.  My friend commented with “Great, let’s make fun of homeless people and belittle their plight!”  This got me thinking – what if REAL homeless people showed up and started building shelters?  The cops would obviously come in and escort them away; after all, these cardboard boxes were for patrons of the art, NOT the homeless.  Sidenote: what if homeless people also showed up to get free mini-sausages?  ART.

 

Dance of the Cranes, 2009

Just when you thought Scotiabank Nuit Blanche couldn’t get any worse - two giant construction cranes spinning and lighting up to music.  Really?

 

Vodka Pool, 2009

A shallow pool of 80-proof vodka was set up in Commerce Court, so that people could look at their reflections and throw coins into it.  I prefer to think of this one as A GIANT WASTE OF VODKA.  That shit could’ve been in my belly!  Damn shame.

 

Wild Ride, 2009

Two midway rides set up in the middle of Bay Street.  Admittedly this one was pretty cool; not cool however was the giant lineup to get on the rides.  I gave up on the waiting and instead went to get Tiny Tom’s donuts.

 

Tiny Tom’s Donuts, Corn on the Cob, Pulled Pork and Various Other Foods Served in Tents, 2009

By far the best kind of art around.  Wait what?  What do you mean these weren’t part of Scotiabank Nuit Blanche’s commisioned art pieces??

 

On the streetcar ride home everyone was drunk and noisy.  Someone shouted “DID ANYONE SEE ANYTHING GOOD?”, to which the streetcar responded with a resounding “No!”  So basically no one really cared about the art of Scotiabank Nuit Blanche – they just wanted to get drunk to the 4 am extended last call.  Present company included.